Crises

In class this week we have talked a lot about crises in the family. We talked about what causes it--a pile up of unexpected events that you are unprepared for. We even talked a little bit about coping factors, and the benefits of crises. How it can bring a family closer together, and bring out strengths that you didn't know you had. Throughout this week I have thought about the crises in my own family, and all of the additives. (Even good stress can add to the pileups.) Stress is caused by change, and I have never adapted well to change. After my dad died in 2009, my life has been a permanent state of breakdowns, and anxiety attacks. Too many things changed at once, and my coping technique, and not a good one, was avoidance. I am still avoiding. I have yet to recover from the two years of constant change, five funerals, two births, four moves, and nine weddings later, I am no more able to cope than when people started showing up at our house two years ago.

Conflict and Communication

This week we learned a lot of cool things about communication and conflict. Like for instance, communication takes both a speaker and a listener, who knew...(that sarcasm was not directed at my teacher but at my train of thought.) Communication takes place om two different forms, verbal and non-verbal. Non-verbal is extremely important because it takes the words that you are saying and gives them context. It makes the words "I love you" sincere, or sarcastic, or empty. It really is extremely important.
Another thing that I learned, and honestly had never thought about it, but conflict isn't necessarily a negative thing. For me it always has been a negative in relationships, because I don't do it right. If you have a disagreement and discuss it in caring, thoughtful ways that create an outcome that is good for everyone, it is still a conflict. In some of my conflicts I have been luck to reach an outcome at all. Conflict and Contention are not the same thing. A conflict can be contentious, in fact all contentions are conflicts, but not every conflict is contentious. (I feel like I am back in geometry writing "if" "then" statements.) I don't think grammar held through in that sentence, but the gist is there.
It really was surprising to me to realize this, I even learned that no marriage is conflict-free, so maybe I'm not doing as badly as I thought I was. Especially, if they are right and small conflicts can ease some of the bigger ones. Imagine that, life isn't the fairy-tale we all seem to be aiming for (what a relief, I don't think I would have done well with a Cinderella-happily-ever-after-kind-of-marriage.)

Argument Diffusion

This week in class we learned about dating and falling in love. It was interesting debate full of questions such as "Should a girl ask a guy out on a second date if she also asked him out on the first date?" General consensus was No. I learned that there is actually problems in marriage when a woman does all of the pursuing and the man does none.
I learned a few things in that class. I am supposed to share my insights here...
We talked about what we as couples do to diffuse arguments, it took me a while(long after class ended) to figure it out. My husband refuses to fight, that is how he diffuses tension, he doesn't put up with it. I end up arguing with myself getting frustrated and storming off to my computer and then my husband, after a short time, or a long time, depending on how peeved he has perceived me to be, IMs me. Usually something like "Hi honey" there are times we have been in the same room. And then we talk. Not verbally because I am still a veritable ticking-time-bomb.
I can also see that I am not so good at diffusing arguments, I usually start them.

Career Woman or House Wife

So this week in class we talked about gender-role and same-sex attraction, two things that at a non-LDS college would have sparked some great debates. In my class it was a lot of people pretty much saying the same thing. To be fair I don't know that I have an opinion on whether homosexuality is a genetic thing or not. I personally don't agree with homosexuality, but then, a lot of people don't a agree with Mormonism. To each their own.
However when it comes to gender roles I do have a bit to say. I believe that people put to much emphasis on men and women being the same, because really truly, we aren't. Now, a man may be more feminine, and a woman more masculine good for them. If a woman wants to become a firefighter good for her, but she should have to pass all of the same tests that the male firefighters pass. Why? Because we are equal, not in ability, but in rights. When there is a fire in my home I want to be picked up and carried to safety, not dragged by my ankles hitting my head on every obstacle on the way out the door. To those female firefighters out there I say good for you! But I don't believe that tests should be made easier to allow more women to pass them. Yes they may have to work harder but that is life.
I also think that putting too much of an emphasis on what a man or a woman should be can be detrimental. If a woman grows up, and spends her whole life being told that a real woman wants a career, and she really wants a family, and wants to stay at home and cook, she feels like a failure. It isn't true. People are who they are, a male baker, a female firefighter, they are people.
And I personally don't like the way the world is going. I want to be a stay at home mom, to cook and clean and raise my kids. Barefoot and pregnant as the saying goes, and I don't like that the world says that is a subservient position. That women who choose that are somehow less. It angers me. Women have fought so hard to get out of the kitchen that it is now looked down upon, and that isn't fair either. Career woman or house wife, we have the right to choose, no one is better than the other.

Culture and Class

This week in class we talked about racism and bigotry. And classes and culture. The part of our discussions that struck me was about how finances could affect the family. Finances whether good or bad affect how the family interacts and understands each other. A child who wants more than a parent can give stress the relationship. A child who gets everything they want from a parent will put stress and expectations on the relationship. Money does affect the family whether people see it or not.

Family Rules

So this blog is for My family relations class. It is part of how the teacher gauges what we are taking from class. It is a pretty cool way to do it. And I can keep it and look back on it for years to come.
In class this week we talked a lot about family rules, and there is a lot involved in it. There are rules that are spoken, and there are rules that are implyed. There are rules about the rules. There are rules between siblings, rules between parents, and so much of it is non-verbal.
As we spoke in class I had to keep from giggling because I realized that there are rules in everything. Even I have rules for myself. Like, my name is Alexis and it doesn't get shortened, I am just Alexis.
My family was filled with rules, dad was always coming up with new ones, and they only lasted as long as dad was in the house. Then there are meta-rules, which are the rules about the rules. For example, the Rule can be that you don't back-talk to your mother, but the meta-rule is that teenagers are kind-of expected to do it anyway.
It can be very confusing and I don't think that I explained it right.
One of my favorite Family Rules was that mom and dad weren't allowed to speak to each other on fast sunday until after dinner when the crankiness had been appeased by food. The purpose of that rule was to keep the cross words at a minimum. Rules have purposes and functional families have many rules, but they are good rules. Rules are very important to the structure of a family, and the function.